a year...and a little more

Has it really been over a year since my last post? I guess I sort of reached a point where I was just done with blogging. I wasn't sure why I was doing it anymore, and honestly, I just didn't feel like I had anything super important to write about. After writing about Sara's story for over 2 years, I just didn't think anything else mattered as much.

But here I am...back with another post. The main reason I'm back is because we're expecting baby #2 (technically, baby #3, but more on that later). When I was pregnant with Wyatt, I used this blog as a pregnancy journal of sorts, and I still enjoy looking back on those posts remembering the excitement and joy, as well as a few of the not so fun parts about pregnancy.  I'd really like to document this pregnancy in the same way and I figured this was probably the easiest way to do it.

With that said, consider this pregnancy post #1 (as I get back into it, I'll probably write about other topics unrelated to pregnancy).

So yeah, no more hiding it. I'm around 14 weeks pregnant, due mid August (but let's be honest, it could be early September if this one is anything like Wyatt  #noexpectations).  We are all so excited, including the little Mr. pictured above. He is thrilled about becoming a big brother and goes back and forth on whether he wants a little brother or a little sister. Brett and I both think it's another boy, but we'll find out for sure at the end of March.

God sure has blessed us with this pregnancy and we're very thankful. We had a miscarriage back in May and would've been welcoming that baby into our home in December. I know so many women deal with miscarriages and sometimes multiple miscarriages...both early in their pregnancies and late.. and some that even make it all the way to labor and delivery before losing their precious baby. My heart aches for all these women. But I have been so encouraged and uplifted by several of them.  Something that has been drilled into my brain and heart over the last few years is one simple word: HOPE. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Rom 12:12.

We found out that I had miscarried at my 12 week appointment, but I had already lost the baby over a month before that point. Viewing the ultrasound, it was determined that our little baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks and 3 days.  I, of course, wanted to know exactly when that day was and what I was doing, regardless of the fact I couldn't have prevented the loss. So, upon arriving home and in tears, I flipped back through my calendar until I found the date. 8 weeks and 3 days...May 2. The 1 year anniversary of Sara's death. My emotions took over. Initially, I was so angry. Why would God give me another reason to hate this day?! Of all days, why May 2?  But then, I began to find comfort in it. As strange as it may sound, I found comfort in thinking, "This is Sara's baby. She is holding and rocking and loving on that little baby...showing the love that I would've shown him/her if I could." And whether or not that's true, I can't help but think that God orchestrated the timing so I would find the slightest bit of comfort through those thoughts. I will always keep that image in my heart.

The story doesn't end there though. As one would expect, I struggled for awhile with the loss of this child, and as the due date drew closer and closer, it became even harder. The "what if" thoughts started creeping in and I just longed to be holding that baby. But wouldn't you know it....the day before my due date, I took a pregnancy test: POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. So I took another one (ok, maybe two) and sure enough they all read the same result.  I was so excited, yet so scared at the same time.

But here we are, 14 weeks later. And although I still get anxious every once in awhile, I'm doing my best to trust in God's plan and continue being excited and thankful for this little one growing inside of me. So thankful.

Consider Yourself "Carded"

Christmas: the good, the hard & the memories

I really do love Christmas. It's such a fun time of year with such a significant meaning. Christmas decorations & music, holiday parties & white elephant gifts, cold weather & warm sweaters, and the horrible for you food & yummy holiday drinks. It's all so good!

our first Christmas tree for our first Christmas in our first home (that's a lot of firsts)

The hard (but still good) thing is, everything about the Christmas season reminds me of Sara. And if you read my mom's blog, or talk to my other family members, you've heard them say it too: Sara loved Christmas. She loved the red holiday cups at Starbucks, the movie White Christmas, singing Christmas songs at the top of her lungs, fighting for the last scotchmallow in the See's box, any excuse to wear red or have red fingernails, and spending countless hours in Target finding presents. But mostly, she just loved when we were all together.

my favorite ornament pairing

I have so many great memories of Sara and Christmas. Fun memories. Hilarious memories. Countless memories. So that's what I'm going to try and focus on this Christmas and every Christmas to come. Not how sad I am that she isn't here, but how great things were when she was. And how blessed we still are.

Here are some pictures from the past several Christmases.

2006 - before all the spouses

2008 - after the Christmas Eve service with the addition of Brett & Brady to the family.

2008 - gingerbread house contest: girls vs. boys. unfortunately, the boys won.

2009 - 6 months after Sara's diagnosis, 5 months into my pregnancy with Wyatt, and days before Sam & Kimberly's engagement.

2009 - Sara and her "fake boyfriend" Jacob. Courtesy of her besties.

2010 - Playing a game of Quelf. Games with Sara were always entertaining.

2010 - Wyatt's first Christmas. Sara's last. Their only.

Miss you so much this Christmas and always!

EWALD

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this fall has been beautiful. Seriously, beautiful. It has allowed for us to enjoy regular afternoon/early evening walks that almost always include the same route to a nearby park.

I enjoy these walks for several reasons, but here's one of them:

Ewald.

It might be my favorite street in Salem. Okay, I don't know if I can say that for sure, but it's definitely my favorite street in our surrounding neighborhood...especially this time of year. The trees go on forever and you almost don't notice the houses beyond them (or the fact that it was garbage pick-up day when I took this photo).

Within the next few days, these trees will be all shades of red, orange and yellow and absolutely breathtaking. I told Brett on our last walk that I wanted to take family pictures in the middle of Ewald, that's how much I love it. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand my desire to stand in the middle of some random street just to get a beautiful picture...but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that he just doesn't enjoy being in pictures, period. You win some, you lose some.

So even though I probably will never get family pictures on this street, I know I'll enjoy family walks down this street for years to come.

And just because a post wouldn't be complete for certain grandparents without a picture of the main man, here's how most of our walks end up: Wyatt sick of being in the stroller, wanting to get out and walk, and then wanting to push the stroller... all by himself.

(since these pictures, Wyatt has received a fresh new do. These pics made me realize just how long I'd let his hair grow. Yikes!)

Thankful for these clear fall days. I know they're coming to an end, but I'll take them while they last.

answering the question - how was your trip?

At the beginning of October, Wyatt and I took a trip to my parents' house for a long weekend. I had been super busy with work and was in need of a few days off. Plus, my older sister, Heidi, was heading home for the weekend too. It was a much needed time of relaxing and being with family.

It was the first time I had been back home since Sara's service in May. It was a little difficult. I found myself just wanting to sit in "her chair" all the time. It made me feel closer to her somehow. I couldn't, however, work up the emotional energy to go to her grave site. I've struggled with that side of things from the beginning. It's interesting how all of us (in our family) deal with things so differently. It makes it difficult to know how to talk about it at times. I know my parents and siblings want to be there for me (and vice versa), but I don't necessarily want to "burden" them with my pain when they are dealing with enough pain of their own. We all know it's not burdening each other, but it's hard not to feel that way. It's one thing to grieve as an individual, but how do you grieve as a family? We're working through all of that. All I can say is, I am so thankful for a family who knows God and loves each other. I can't imagine going through this grief and sorrow if those two things weren't true.

Speaking of family, we really did have a good time with each other. Wyatt was the center of attention, as always, and I'm pretty sure he didn't mind it. He really loves his "boppa" and "maama" which is toddler talk for grandpa and grandma.

And he's still working on saying "Heidi." It sort of comes out as "hi-e"

In true Fallon fashion, my dad and I took Wyatt out to the dairy. There were a bunch of brand new calves and Wyatt enjoyed walking by and waving at them all.

But then he spotted the tractors and was quickly done with the cows. His tractor and truck noise is "mah mah" with a slight grunt behind it. It sounds a bit like "mama," which makes it somewhat embarrassing when he says it out in public while pointing at large trucks. Ah well.

We were able to go to church on Sunday and I always enjoy hearing my dad speak. He spoke from Philippians 4 on how we should live: joyfully, gracefully, prayerfully, thoughtfully, purposefully & gratefully. And how all these things are prerequisites for contentment. He reminded us that in order to truly be content, we need to embrace God's provision and God's sovereignty. Only then will we find an inner rest and peace that comes from being right with God and knowing He's in control.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, Dad. I should have told you that sooner. Thank you for having the strength to talk about something so difficult and so close to home.

So yeah...overall, it was a really good trip. Hard, but good, which seems to be the answer to most questions these days. Good thing the two can coincide with each other.

FALL so far

I used to be a summer kind of girl. I've always loved the sun and the heat, and I'm not going to lie...I enjoy being tan. But things have changed. It's called working. I think one of the reasons I loved summer so much is because during the first 20 years of my life, it meant I had 3 months of freedom! I guess I should have become a teacher, but instead, I married one. Nothing like leaving your hubby and child at home on a beautiful sunny day while you go in to work...for 3 months in a row! No, I'm not bitter. ;)

So I had a a change of heart. I decided that Fall is my new favorite season. And so far, this fall is confirming that decision. It's been beautiful. The weather has been fair, the rain has held off, and the pumpkin spice lattes have been at their finest. Plus, I recently purchased an awesome sweater that I've worn almost every day for the last month. It's been the first thing I put on in the morning as I go grab my cup of coffee and then crawl back in to bed to read until Wyatt wakes up.

I have some posts in the works with what we've been up to this month, but for now, here's a little peek at fall so far...

More to come...

impromptu shoot

A few months ago our good friends Scott & Sage came to stay with us. It was a quick trip, but Sage is an excellent photographer (check out her work here: http://sagefitchettphotography.com/) and decided to take a few quick shots of our little guy. It's crazy how much he's changed even since these pictures were taken. He's truly growing up so fast...he'll be 18 months next week.

We love our little monster!

Whatever It Takes

Yes, I'm back. Are you surprised? I know it's been 3 months, but I was just struggling with how to get back into the swing of things. The long hiatus wasn't due to lack of time, or lack of things to share. It was simply a lack of "know-how." I just didn't know how to go from writing about Sara to writing about going to the zoo? Bleh. Blah. Bluh.

So what did it take to get me to post again? I had knee surgery on Tuesday. It was nothing serious...just a minor, arthroscopic, get in there & clean things up sort of surgery. But I've been tied to the couch for the last 4 days and a person can only spend so much time on Facebook and Pinterest. I decided I had the time, so I might as well go for it.


So what have we been up to these last 3 months? Here is a quick recap of our summer through pictures:


Went on vacation with my side of the family to Bodega Bay, CA:

Spent many a sunny afternoon at the park playing in the water:

Played with Wyatt's best little girlfriend, Nora:

Discovered how much Wyatt loves black beans at Baja Fresh:

Had some good quality time with Brett's side of the family:

Attempted about 20 family pictures:

Took Wyatt on his first zoo trip where he perfected his elephant noise:

& realized we have quite the little athlete on our hands:

There is so much more that went on this summer - it was crazy busy! But this turned out to be a pretty packed post (say that 10x's fast), so I'll be back with more summer happenings and pictures in the next couple weeks. Or maybe even in the next couple days while I'm still tied to the couch (in between facebook stalking and pinning cool projects that I'll probably never do).

Happy Friday!

it's a new day

Yesterday marked 1 month of Sara being gone...and exactly 2 years since her doctor's appointment where the initial fear of cancer was brought to our attention. I didn't enjoy yesterday...to say the very least.

But, today is a new day. I woke up to the sunshine streaming through our windows and my baby singing in his crib. My in-laws were here so I left Wyatt with them to go run a few errands. I got my haircut and grabbed some Starbucks where I ran in to a dear friend's dad. There is something about dads, in general, that can make you feel so encouraged. Good dads, that is. I came home to Wyatt napping and a clean, calm house, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law. And now, as I sit here sipping my coffee, I feel a sense of peace. The sunshine helps so much. I'd like to think that after all the rainy days we've had this week, and the horrible day I had yesterday, God knew I needed the sunshine today. He knew I needed to feel His presence and be reminded of Sara's new, amazing life with Him. There's never a cloudy day in heaven...I think Sara probably makes it even brighter.

So I am going to enjoy today... I'll enjoy the sunshine and soak up all I can from this little guy.

Hope it's sunny wherever you are too!

shining on

I have no idea how to appropriately begin this post. And as a warning, it will probably be long, and a bit depressing. But I hope to encourage at least one person's heart through this, even if it's just my own. Please bare with me.

The last 2 years have been an absolute whirlwind (specifically these last 2 months). There are many days when I have to remind myself that it's real. What seems to be a "this only happens to other people" story is now, in fact, my story. I don't like to say it out loud. I don't even like to think it. Because that makes it real. And I would rather live thinking I will wake up from this nightmare. But what I cling to is that it's no longer a nightmare for Sara. She's living the ultimate dream for all eternity. That makes me smile and breathe a huge sigh of relief for her.

I miss her every day, every hour...I find myself not knowing how or what to feel. When my heart is sad and broken, I feel as though I should be happy for her, focusing on the fact that she is pain-free, dancing and singing, and in absolute awe of her Savior. When I am relieved because of those things, I feel as though I should be hurting and sad that she's no longer with us. It's an endless circle. I know that's normal. It doesn't feel normal.

So when people ask me a sincere, "How are you doing?" I really don't know how to answer. I want to say "Good." That sounds heartless. I want to say "Horrible." That sounds, well, horrible. I know people understand, but I don't.

In a way, I am so relieved. She no longer has to suffer. She is not giving this world a second thought. She wouldn't rather be here than where she is. She is 100% healed and pain-free. For that, my heart sings. But in the same breath, I am so sad. Sad for all the things I will be missing of/with her. Sad for my parents and siblings and Sara's close friends....all the things they will be missing of/with her. See, you don't grieve the death of a person, you grieve the loss of a relationship. And each of our relationships with her were so special. She treated each of us like we were the most special, important person in her life. She made us all better, happier people.

I keep thinking about how happy she always was, even during the last 2 years of her battling cancer and facing death. Most would have thrown in the towel on finding happiness and joy through that sort of pain and suffering. But not her. She was so strong. Stronger than I would have ever expected.

She was at an age where her life should have been starting, but instead, it was ending. All of her friends' (and even us siblings') lives were just beginning. New jobs, finding love, marriage, starting families, etc. It's all what Sara had always imagined her life would look like at age 22. But instead of being mad and jealous, she was so happy for everyone and the joy they were experiencing in their lives. Don't get me wrong. She was, at times, sad. She expressed in her prayer journal that she was sad for all the things she would be missing out on. But she always followed those thoughts with a prayer like the following: "Lord, if that is not what you have for me, help me to live my life so that others may see your love. Help me to be a shining light for you." Amazing. Challenging. Inspiring. Sara.

Sara could have been upset and bitter about all she was missing out on, but she wasn't. Even during the immense pain and suffering she was experiencing, she couldn't help but be happy for those she loved. So now, as I face pain and hurt, I remember her example. Sara is experiencing the greatest joy and life there is. She is where all of us should desire to be some day. So even though I am dealing with grief and heartache, I need to be happy for her. Because that's how she was and would have been for me.

There is so much more I could say, but I'll end with the following: I know I will never move on from this, but I will live on. Sara's life and death have challenged me more than I've ever been challenged in my faith. And because of her example, I have committed to living a better life. A life that is dedicated to being a "shining light for Him."

I'm keeping a fresh vase of these on my table. They were Sara's favorite flowers and totally remind me of her every time I see them. Bright and sunny...and happy.

turning 1...it's kind of a big deal

My baby is a boy. Obviously. What I really mean is, he's not a baby anymore...he's a little boy. Last Sunday was his birthday and even though we didn't have a blowout party for him, we lived it up all day long...just the three of us. This is what Wyatt woke up to. Spoiled? Um, yes.

Wyatt loves balls. Throwing balls. Kicking balls. Chasing balls. Putting balls in to anything you can put a ball in to. So he was thrilled when he saw all of this just calling out his name. We got him a basketball hoop for his birthday. And my parents and his Aunt Sara got him a ball pit. Yes, a ball pit. Awesome present for him, not so awesome gift for me. I'm finding those plastic balls EVERYWHERE!

We devoted the entire day to playing.

and Wyatt ate his entire cake (and as a result didn't take a nap all day long).

It was the perfect day together.