Consider Yourself "Carded"

Christmas: the good, the hard & the memories

I really do love Christmas. It's such a fun time of year with such a significant meaning. Christmas decorations & music, holiday parties & white elephant gifts, cold weather & warm sweaters, and the horrible for you food & yummy holiday drinks. It's all so good!

our first Christmas tree for our first Christmas in our first home (that's a lot of firsts)

The hard (but still good) thing is, everything about the Christmas season reminds me of Sara. And if you read my mom's blog, or talk to my other family members, you've heard them say it too: Sara loved Christmas. She loved the red holiday cups at Starbucks, the movie White Christmas, singing Christmas songs at the top of her lungs, fighting for the last scotchmallow in the See's box, any excuse to wear red or have red fingernails, and spending countless hours in Target finding presents. But mostly, she just loved when we were all together.

my favorite ornament pairing

I have so many great memories of Sara and Christmas. Fun memories. Hilarious memories. Countless memories. So that's what I'm going to try and focus on this Christmas and every Christmas to come. Not how sad I am that she isn't here, but how great things were when she was. And how blessed we still are.

Here are some pictures from the past several Christmases.

2006 - before all the spouses

2008 - after the Christmas Eve service with the addition of Brett & Brady to the family.

2008 - gingerbread house contest: girls vs. boys. unfortunately, the boys won.

2009 - 6 months after Sara's diagnosis, 5 months into my pregnancy with Wyatt, and days before Sam & Kimberly's engagement.

2009 - Sara and her "fake boyfriend" Jacob. Courtesy of her besties.

2010 - Playing a game of Quelf. Games with Sara were always entertaining.

2010 - Wyatt's first Christmas. Sara's last. Their only.

Miss you so much this Christmas and always!

answering the question - how was your trip?

At the beginning of October, Wyatt and I took a trip to my parents' house for a long weekend. I had been super busy with work and was in need of a few days off. Plus, my older sister, Heidi, was heading home for the weekend too. It was a much needed time of relaxing and being with family.

It was the first time I had been back home since Sara's service in May. It was a little difficult. I found myself just wanting to sit in "her chair" all the time. It made me feel closer to her somehow. I couldn't, however, work up the emotional energy to go to her grave site. I've struggled with that side of things from the beginning. It's interesting how all of us (in our family) deal with things so differently. It makes it difficult to know how to talk about it at times. I know my parents and siblings want to be there for me (and vice versa), but I don't necessarily want to "burden" them with my pain when they are dealing with enough pain of their own. We all know it's not burdening each other, but it's hard not to feel that way. It's one thing to grieve as an individual, but how do you grieve as a family? We're working through all of that. All I can say is, I am so thankful for a family who knows God and loves each other. I can't imagine going through this grief and sorrow if those two things weren't true.

Speaking of family, we really did have a good time with each other. Wyatt was the center of attention, as always, and I'm pretty sure he didn't mind it. He really loves his "boppa" and "maama" which is toddler talk for grandpa and grandma.

And he's still working on saying "Heidi." It sort of comes out as "hi-e"

In true Fallon fashion, my dad and I took Wyatt out to the dairy. There were a bunch of brand new calves and Wyatt enjoyed walking by and waving at them all.

But then he spotted the tractors and was quickly done with the cows. His tractor and truck noise is "mah mah" with a slight grunt behind it. It sounds a bit like "mama," which makes it somewhat embarrassing when he says it out in public while pointing at large trucks. Ah well.

We were able to go to church on Sunday and I always enjoy hearing my dad speak. He spoke from Philippians 4 on how we should live: joyfully, gracefully, prayerfully, thoughtfully, purposefully & gratefully. And how all these things are prerequisites for contentment. He reminded us that in order to truly be content, we need to embrace God's provision and God's sovereignty. Only then will we find an inner rest and peace that comes from being right with God and knowing He's in control.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, Dad. I should have told you that sooner. Thank you for having the strength to talk about something so difficult and so close to home.

So yeah...overall, it was a really good trip. Hard, but good, which seems to be the answer to most questions these days. Good thing the two can coincide with each other.

FALL so far

I used to be a summer kind of girl. I've always loved the sun and the heat, and I'm not going to lie...I enjoy being tan. But things have changed. It's called working. I think one of the reasons I loved summer so much is because during the first 20 years of my life, it meant I had 3 months of freedom! I guess I should have become a teacher, but instead, I married one. Nothing like leaving your hubby and child at home on a beautiful sunny day while you go in to work...for 3 months in a row! No, I'm not bitter. ;)

So I had a a change of heart. I decided that Fall is my new favorite season. And so far, this fall is confirming that decision. It's been beautiful. The weather has been fair, the rain has held off, and the pumpkin spice lattes have been at their finest. Plus, I recently purchased an awesome sweater that I've worn almost every day for the last month. It's been the first thing I put on in the morning as I go grab my cup of coffee and then crawl back in to bed to read until Wyatt wakes up.

I have some posts in the works with what we've been up to this month, but for now, here's a little peek at fall so far...

More to come...

Whatever It Takes

Yes, I'm back. Are you surprised? I know it's been 3 months, but I was just struggling with how to get back into the swing of things. The long hiatus wasn't due to lack of time, or lack of things to share. It was simply a lack of "know-how." I just didn't know how to go from writing about Sara to writing about going to the zoo? Bleh. Blah. Bluh.

So what did it take to get me to post again? I had knee surgery on Tuesday. It was nothing serious...just a minor, arthroscopic, get in there & clean things up sort of surgery. But I've been tied to the couch for the last 4 days and a person can only spend so much time on Facebook and Pinterest. I decided I had the time, so I might as well go for it.


So what have we been up to these last 3 months? Here is a quick recap of our summer through pictures:


Went on vacation with my side of the family to Bodega Bay, CA:

Spent many a sunny afternoon at the park playing in the water:

Played with Wyatt's best little girlfriend, Nora:

Discovered how much Wyatt loves black beans at Baja Fresh:

Had some good quality time with Brett's side of the family:

Attempted about 20 family pictures:

Took Wyatt on his first zoo trip where he perfected his elephant noise:

& realized we have quite the little athlete on our hands:

There is so much more that went on this summer - it was crazy busy! But this turned out to be a pretty packed post (say that 10x's fast), so I'll be back with more summer happenings and pictures in the next couple weeks. Or maybe even in the next couple days while I'm still tied to the couch (in between facebook stalking and pinning cool projects that I'll probably never do).

Happy Friday!

it's a new day

Yesterday marked 1 month of Sara being gone...and exactly 2 years since her doctor's appointment where the initial fear of cancer was brought to our attention. I didn't enjoy yesterday...to say the very least.

But, today is a new day. I woke up to the sunshine streaming through our windows and my baby singing in his crib. My in-laws were here so I left Wyatt with them to go run a few errands. I got my haircut and grabbed some Starbucks where I ran in to a dear friend's dad. There is something about dads, in general, that can make you feel so encouraged. Good dads, that is. I came home to Wyatt napping and a clean, calm house, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law. And now, as I sit here sipping my coffee, I feel a sense of peace. The sunshine helps so much. I'd like to think that after all the rainy days we've had this week, and the horrible day I had yesterday, God knew I needed the sunshine today. He knew I needed to feel His presence and be reminded of Sara's new, amazing life with Him. There's never a cloudy day in heaven...I think Sara probably makes it even brighter.

So I am going to enjoy today... I'll enjoy the sunshine and soak up all I can from this little guy.

Hope it's sunny wherever you are too!

shining on

I have no idea how to appropriately begin this post. And as a warning, it will probably be long, and a bit depressing. But I hope to encourage at least one person's heart through this, even if it's just my own. Please bare with me.

The last 2 years have been an absolute whirlwind (specifically these last 2 months). There are many days when I have to remind myself that it's real. What seems to be a "this only happens to other people" story is now, in fact, my story. I don't like to say it out loud. I don't even like to think it. Because that makes it real. And I would rather live thinking I will wake up from this nightmare. But what I cling to is that it's no longer a nightmare for Sara. She's living the ultimate dream for all eternity. That makes me smile and breathe a huge sigh of relief for her.

I miss her every day, every hour...I find myself not knowing how or what to feel. When my heart is sad and broken, I feel as though I should be happy for her, focusing on the fact that she is pain-free, dancing and singing, and in absolute awe of her Savior. When I am relieved because of those things, I feel as though I should be hurting and sad that she's no longer with us. It's an endless circle. I know that's normal. It doesn't feel normal.

So when people ask me a sincere, "How are you doing?" I really don't know how to answer. I want to say "Good." That sounds heartless. I want to say "Horrible." That sounds, well, horrible. I know people understand, but I don't.

In a way, I am so relieved. She no longer has to suffer. She is not giving this world a second thought. She wouldn't rather be here than where she is. She is 100% healed and pain-free. For that, my heart sings. But in the same breath, I am so sad. Sad for all the things I will be missing of/with her. Sad for my parents and siblings and Sara's close friends....all the things they will be missing of/with her. See, you don't grieve the death of a person, you grieve the loss of a relationship. And each of our relationships with her were so special. She treated each of us like we were the most special, important person in her life. She made us all better, happier people.

I keep thinking about how happy she always was, even during the last 2 years of her battling cancer and facing death. Most would have thrown in the towel on finding happiness and joy through that sort of pain and suffering. But not her. She was so strong. Stronger than I would have ever expected.

She was at an age where her life should have been starting, but instead, it was ending. All of her friends' (and even us siblings') lives were just beginning. New jobs, finding love, marriage, starting families, etc. It's all what Sara had always imagined her life would look like at age 22. But instead of being mad and jealous, she was so happy for everyone and the joy they were experiencing in their lives. Don't get me wrong. She was, at times, sad. She expressed in her prayer journal that she was sad for all the things she would be missing out on. But she always followed those thoughts with a prayer like the following: "Lord, if that is not what you have for me, help me to live my life so that others may see your love. Help me to be a shining light for you." Amazing. Challenging. Inspiring. Sara.

Sara could have been upset and bitter about all she was missing out on, but she wasn't. Even during the immense pain and suffering she was experiencing, she couldn't help but be happy for those she loved. So now, as I face pain and hurt, I remember her example. Sara is experiencing the greatest joy and life there is. She is where all of us should desire to be some day. So even though I am dealing with grief and heartache, I need to be happy for her. Because that's how she was and would have been for me.

There is so much more I could say, but I'll end with the following: I know I will never move on from this, but I will live on. Sara's life and death have challenged me more than I've ever been challenged in my faith. And because of her example, I have committed to living a better life. A life that is dedicated to being a "shining light for Him."

I'm keeping a fresh vase of these on my table. They were Sara's favorite flowers and totally remind me of her every time I see them. Bright and sunny...and happy.

best. weekend. EVER

I was tempted to just post this picture and leave it at that, but there was just too much good to share...

We had an amazing weekend. Everyone was able to be together, including Grandma Oda, and it honestly couldn't have been better. As I mentioned in my previous post, we've had a lot of people show their love and support, but last weekend, we were absolutely blown away by a particular family's generosity. They went away for the weekend & offered up their AMAZING home for us to stay at. And when I say "amazing", I mean "should be in a magazine or on MTV cribs or something to that nature" sort of amazing. I wish I would've taken pictures of all the rooms (7 bedrooms,8 bathrooms, play room, living room, dining room, entertainment room, kitchen, craft room...and i'm pretty sure i'm missing a couple more rooms). But here's a picture of the beautiful outside.

Sara was feeling good all weekend, which was a HUGE answer to prayer. We were able to enjoy each other's company, eat A LOT of food, play games, play in the snow, take nice, long showers in a shower bigger than our entire master bathroom, watch movies, and celebrate Sara receiving her college diploma!

One of the greatest parts of the whole weekend (besides Sara getting her diploma) was the Swenson Family Trivia game. Sara was the hostess and all the in-law spouses were the participants. Kim, Brady & Brett were required to answer questions (asked by Sara) about the Swenson family. The winner, who ended up being Brady, received a cash prize from Sara. No joke. :) It was pretty hilarious seeing how much our spouses did, or in some cases, didn't know about our family. This is what Brett would hold up whenever he didn't know the answer. Apparently, he felt as though I was not a good coach.

My face is saying, "if only you would've listened." Ah well...we tried.

Wyatt received quite a bit of attention (imagine that) and spent some good quality time with his Aunt Sara. They have such a special bond that I am so thankful for.

None of us wanted to leave. We kept talking about how great it would be if we could all just quit our lives and move into this house together. As I've said many times, I am so thankful for my family and the love that abounds for each other.

These will be memories that last a life time.

let's face it

Yes, it's true....I'm back. For now at least. I can't promise I'll keep up with it like I used to, but I'll sure do my best.

See, here's the thing: I have definitely been putting this off. For multiple reasons. The main reason being, I don't even know where to start. So much has happened/is happening in our lives and I haven't wanted to face it. But I've had some time to deal with reality and I decided it's time. So let's just get right to it...

If you're reading this blog, you should be aware of what's going on with my sister. If you're not, then I have no idea who you are, but you can click on the link to the right that says "Sara's Story" and get up to speed. My mom has done an excellent job of sharing all that is going on with Sara and honestly, I am proud to call her my mom. If you have read any of her posts, you know why. She's amazing. And strong. And trusts God with her whole heart. And I hope and pray that some day I can be the kind of woman/mother she is.

Obviously, things have been pretty difficult lately, and I struggle with how to "feel." Most of the time, I'm just sad. Then I'm angry, with a tinge of guilt for feeling that way. Later I feel hopeful. And so it goes. My emotions change every day, every hour. It affects every aspect of my life. And I worry. I worry about how much life will change. I worry about not being a good wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend. But more so, I worry about Sara, my parents, and my siblings. And even Sara's friends. The whole thing is just too much. And I just want to be there with her, enjoying every moment we can.

Most of the time I find myself saying/thinking/writing: "I JUST DON'T KNOW!" And while that's how I feel most of the time, here are some things I do know to be true, in no particular order:

*I am proud to be a Swenson. I have an amazing family and am so thankful for the strength and love we have in each other.

*Sara is the strongest person I know. Through all of this, she still manages to smile, laugh, joke and love.

*Wyatt was the timeliest blessing of all. God knew we needed him in our lives, and blessed us with a beautiful, happy, funny little man, just when we needed him most. We are beyond thankful to have him as he brings such joy and happiness to us all.

*God is good. And He is big enough to handle my frustrations when I struggle with the "how's and why's" of everything. I also know that His plan is sovereign. He has been and will continue to use Sara and her story in the lives of many.

*I have a wonderful husband who loves me deeply and is standing by my side every step of the way. What a man.

*God understands pain. He is our strength when we are weak.

*We are beyond blessed to have the friends and family we do. Since day one there has been an outpouring of love, support and encouragement from those close to us, as well as some who have never even met Sara. In the last 2 months especially, I have been brought to tears several times by the thoughtfulness and generosity of so many. I can't even begin to express my gratitude.

*Joy and sorrow can walk hand in hand with one another. Even in the midst of pain, Wyatt will still light up when he sees me, coffee will still taste good, my family will still be funny, Brett will still make me laugh, and best of all, God's mercies will still be new every morning!

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So there you have it. That's all I have on this subject for now. My plan over the next few weeks is to get caught up with this whole blogging thing. Life has still been happening all around me and there really is so much to share. I'd like to use this blog as a place to be normal...as normal as can be considering the circumstances that are anything but.

Here's what to stay tuned for:

* Swenson Family Get Together & Sara's Graduation (the most amazing weekend ever)

* Wyatt Update (he's now almost 11 months and walking...YIKES!)

* Our House (we've been here for almost 3 months now and we love it)

* Working Momma (i've been back at ClubSport since mid November and it's going great)

* and more :)

free weekend

Free weekends during the year are few and far between since I coach soccer in the fall and Brett coaches baseball in the spring. So when we do have one, we like to take advantage of it. Whether that means just relaxing at home or traveling to visit friends for a couple days, we soak it up when we can. This was one of those weekends - we went to Astoria to visit our good friends, Scott and Sage, who we don't get to see too often. This picture is from a few years ago at Scott and Brett's graduation. It was the most recent pic I could find of us all.



It was a short visit, but totally worth it. We spent the morning on the beach where Sage was nice enough to take some family pictures of us. Then the boys stayed home to watch football and nap, while Sage and I went out to some antique stores with coffee in hand. . . perfect fall day. We ended the day with a yummy dinner of salmon and steak followed by apple pie and ice cream. It was nice to get out as a family and see some friends at the same time. Hope you all had a great weekend as well!