a year...and a little more

Has it really been over a year since my last post? I guess I sort of reached a point where I was just done with blogging. I wasn't sure why I was doing it anymore, and honestly, I just didn't feel like I had anything super important to write about. After writing about Sara's story for over 2 years, I just didn't think anything else mattered as much.

But here I am...back with another post. The main reason I'm back is because we're expecting baby #2 (technically, baby #3, but more on that later). When I was pregnant with Wyatt, I used this blog as a pregnancy journal of sorts, and I still enjoy looking back on those posts remembering the excitement and joy, as well as a few of the not so fun parts about pregnancy.  I'd really like to document this pregnancy in the same way and I figured this was probably the easiest way to do it.

With that said, consider this pregnancy post #1 (as I get back into it, I'll probably write about other topics unrelated to pregnancy).

So yeah, no more hiding it. I'm around 14 weeks pregnant, due mid August (but let's be honest, it could be early September if this one is anything like Wyatt  #noexpectations).  We are all so excited, including the little Mr. pictured above. He is thrilled about becoming a big brother and goes back and forth on whether he wants a little brother or a little sister. Brett and I both think it's another boy, but we'll find out for sure at the end of March.

God sure has blessed us with this pregnancy and we're very thankful. We had a miscarriage back in May and would've been welcoming that baby into our home in December. I know so many women deal with miscarriages and sometimes multiple miscarriages...both early in their pregnancies and late.. and some that even make it all the way to labor and delivery before losing their precious baby. My heart aches for all these women. But I have been so encouraged and uplifted by several of them.  Something that has been drilled into my brain and heart over the last few years is one simple word: HOPE. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Rom 12:12.

We found out that I had miscarried at my 12 week appointment, but I had already lost the baby over a month before that point. Viewing the ultrasound, it was determined that our little baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks and 3 days.  I, of course, wanted to know exactly when that day was and what I was doing, regardless of the fact I couldn't have prevented the loss. So, upon arriving home and in tears, I flipped back through my calendar until I found the date. 8 weeks and 3 days...May 2. The 1 year anniversary of Sara's death. My emotions took over. Initially, I was so angry. Why would God give me another reason to hate this day?! Of all days, why May 2?  But then, I began to find comfort in it. As strange as it may sound, I found comfort in thinking, "This is Sara's baby. She is holding and rocking and loving on that little baby...showing the love that I would've shown him/her if I could." And whether or not that's true, I can't help but think that God orchestrated the timing so I would find the slightest bit of comfort through those thoughts. I will always keep that image in my heart.

The story doesn't end there though. As one would expect, I struggled for awhile with the loss of this child, and as the due date drew closer and closer, it became even harder. The "what if" thoughts started creeping in and I just longed to be holding that baby. But wouldn't you know it....the day before my due date, I took a pregnancy test: POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. So I took another one (ok, maybe two) and sure enough they all read the same result.  I was so excited, yet so scared at the same time.

But here we are, 14 weeks later. And although I still get anxious every once in awhile, I'm doing my best to trust in God's plan and continue being excited and thankful for this little one growing inside of me. So thankful.

EWALD

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this fall has been beautiful. Seriously, beautiful. It has allowed for us to enjoy regular afternoon/early evening walks that almost always include the same route to a nearby park.

I enjoy these walks for several reasons, but here's one of them:

Ewald.

It might be my favorite street in Salem. Okay, I don't know if I can say that for sure, but it's definitely my favorite street in our surrounding neighborhood...especially this time of year. The trees go on forever and you almost don't notice the houses beyond them (or the fact that it was garbage pick-up day when I took this photo).

Within the next few days, these trees will be all shades of red, orange and yellow and absolutely breathtaking. I told Brett on our last walk that I wanted to take family pictures in the middle of Ewald, that's how much I love it. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand my desire to stand in the middle of some random street just to get a beautiful picture...but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with the fact that he just doesn't enjoy being in pictures, period. You win some, you lose some.

So even though I probably will never get family pictures on this street, I know I'll enjoy family walks down this street for years to come.

And just because a post wouldn't be complete for certain grandparents without a picture of the main man, here's how most of our walks end up: Wyatt sick of being in the stroller, wanting to get out and walk, and then wanting to push the stroller... all by himself.

(since these pictures, Wyatt has received a fresh new do. These pics made me realize just how long I'd let his hair grow. Yikes!)

Thankful for these clear fall days. I know they're coming to an end, but I'll take them while they last.

answering the question - how was your trip?

At the beginning of October, Wyatt and I took a trip to my parents' house for a long weekend. I had been super busy with work and was in need of a few days off. Plus, my older sister, Heidi, was heading home for the weekend too. It was a much needed time of relaxing and being with family.

It was the first time I had been back home since Sara's service in May. It was a little difficult. I found myself just wanting to sit in "her chair" all the time. It made me feel closer to her somehow. I couldn't, however, work up the emotional energy to go to her grave site. I've struggled with that side of things from the beginning. It's interesting how all of us (in our family) deal with things so differently. It makes it difficult to know how to talk about it at times. I know my parents and siblings want to be there for me (and vice versa), but I don't necessarily want to "burden" them with my pain when they are dealing with enough pain of their own. We all know it's not burdening each other, but it's hard not to feel that way. It's one thing to grieve as an individual, but how do you grieve as a family? We're working through all of that. All I can say is, I am so thankful for a family who knows God and loves each other. I can't imagine going through this grief and sorrow if those two things weren't true.

Speaking of family, we really did have a good time with each other. Wyatt was the center of attention, as always, and I'm pretty sure he didn't mind it. He really loves his "boppa" and "maama" which is toddler talk for grandpa and grandma.

And he's still working on saying "Heidi." It sort of comes out as "hi-e"

In true Fallon fashion, my dad and I took Wyatt out to the dairy. There were a bunch of brand new calves and Wyatt enjoyed walking by and waving at them all.

But then he spotted the tractors and was quickly done with the cows. His tractor and truck noise is "mah mah" with a slight grunt behind it. It sounds a bit like "mama," which makes it somewhat embarrassing when he says it out in public while pointing at large trucks. Ah well.

We were able to go to church on Sunday and I always enjoy hearing my dad speak. He spoke from Philippians 4 on how we should live: joyfully, gracefully, prayerfully, thoughtfully, purposefully & gratefully. And how all these things are prerequisites for contentment. He reminded us that in order to truly be content, we need to embrace God's provision and God's sovereignty. Only then will we find an inner rest and peace that comes from being right with God and knowing He's in control.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, Dad. I should have told you that sooner. Thank you for having the strength to talk about something so difficult and so close to home.

So yeah...overall, it was a really good trip. Hard, but good, which seems to be the answer to most questions these days. Good thing the two can coincide with each other.

FALL so far

I used to be a summer kind of girl. I've always loved the sun and the heat, and I'm not going to lie...I enjoy being tan. But things have changed. It's called working. I think one of the reasons I loved summer so much is because during the first 20 years of my life, it meant I had 3 months of freedom! I guess I should have become a teacher, but instead, I married one. Nothing like leaving your hubby and child at home on a beautiful sunny day while you go in to work...for 3 months in a row! No, I'm not bitter. ;)

So I had a a change of heart. I decided that Fall is my new favorite season. And so far, this fall is confirming that decision. It's been beautiful. The weather has been fair, the rain has held off, and the pumpkin spice lattes have been at their finest. Plus, I recently purchased an awesome sweater that I've worn almost every day for the last month. It's been the first thing I put on in the morning as I go grab my cup of coffee and then crawl back in to bed to read until Wyatt wakes up.

I have some posts in the works with what we've been up to this month, but for now, here's a little peek at fall so far...

More to come...

it's a new day

Yesterday marked 1 month of Sara being gone...and exactly 2 years since her doctor's appointment where the initial fear of cancer was brought to our attention. I didn't enjoy yesterday...to say the very least.

But, today is a new day. I woke up to the sunshine streaming through our windows and my baby singing in his crib. My in-laws were here so I left Wyatt with them to go run a few errands. I got my haircut and grabbed some Starbucks where I ran in to a dear friend's dad. There is something about dads, in general, that can make you feel so encouraged. Good dads, that is. I came home to Wyatt napping and a clean, calm house, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law. And now, as I sit here sipping my coffee, I feel a sense of peace. The sunshine helps so much. I'd like to think that after all the rainy days we've had this week, and the horrible day I had yesterday, God knew I needed the sunshine today. He knew I needed to feel His presence and be reminded of Sara's new, amazing life with Him. There's never a cloudy day in heaven...I think Sara probably makes it even brighter.

So I am going to enjoy today... I'll enjoy the sunshine and soak up all I can from this little guy.

Hope it's sunny wherever you are too!

turning 1...it's kind of a big deal

My baby is a boy. Obviously. What I really mean is, he's not a baby anymore...he's a little boy. Last Sunday was his birthday and even though we didn't have a blowout party for him, we lived it up all day long...just the three of us. This is what Wyatt woke up to. Spoiled? Um, yes.

Wyatt loves balls. Throwing balls. Kicking balls. Chasing balls. Putting balls in to anything you can put a ball in to. So he was thrilled when he saw all of this just calling out his name. We got him a basketball hoop for his birthday. And my parents and his Aunt Sara got him a ball pit. Yes, a ball pit. Awesome present for him, not so awesome gift for me. I'm finding those plastic balls EVERYWHERE!

We devoted the entire day to playing.

and Wyatt ate his entire cake (and as a result didn't take a nap all day long).

It was the perfect day together.

best. weekend. EVER

I was tempted to just post this picture and leave it at that, but there was just too much good to share...

We had an amazing weekend. Everyone was able to be together, including Grandma Oda, and it honestly couldn't have been better. As I mentioned in my previous post, we've had a lot of people show their love and support, but last weekend, we were absolutely blown away by a particular family's generosity. They went away for the weekend & offered up their AMAZING home for us to stay at. And when I say "amazing", I mean "should be in a magazine or on MTV cribs or something to that nature" sort of amazing. I wish I would've taken pictures of all the rooms (7 bedrooms,8 bathrooms, play room, living room, dining room, entertainment room, kitchen, craft room...and i'm pretty sure i'm missing a couple more rooms). But here's a picture of the beautiful outside.

Sara was feeling good all weekend, which was a HUGE answer to prayer. We were able to enjoy each other's company, eat A LOT of food, play games, play in the snow, take nice, long showers in a shower bigger than our entire master bathroom, watch movies, and celebrate Sara receiving her college diploma!

One of the greatest parts of the whole weekend (besides Sara getting her diploma) was the Swenson Family Trivia game. Sara was the hostess and all the in-law spouses were the participants. Kim, Brady & Brett were required to answer questions (asked by Sara) about the Swenson family. The winner, who ended up being Brady, received a cash prize from Sara. No joke. :) It was pretty hilarious seeing how much our spouses did, or in some cases, didn't know about our family. This is what Brett would hold up whenever he didn't know the answer. Apparently, he felt as though I was not a good coach.

My face is saying, "if only you would've listened." Ah well...we tried.

Wyatt received quite a bit of attention (imagine that) and spent some good quality time with his Aunt Sara. They have such a special bond that I am so thankful for.

None of us wanted to leave. We kept talking about how great it would be if we could all just quit our lives and move into this house together. As I've said many times, I am so thankful for my family and the love that abounds for each other.

These will be memories that last a life time.