a year...and a little more

Has it really been over a year since my last post? I guess I sort of reached a point where I was just done with blogging. I wasn't sure why I was doing it anymore, and honestly, I just didn't feel like I had anything super important to write about. After writing about Sara's story for over 2 years, I just didn't think anything else mattered as much.

But here I am...back with another post. The main reason I'm back is because we're expecting baby #2 (technically, baby #3, but more on that later). When I was pregnant with Wyatt, I used this blog as a pregnancy journal of sorts, and I still enjoy looking back on those posts remembering the excitement and joy, as well as a few of the not so fun parts about pregnancy.  I'd really like to document this pregnancy in the same way and I figured this was probably the easiest way to do it.

With that said, consider this pregnancy post #1 (as I get back into it, I'll probably write about other topics unrelated to pregnancy).

So yeah, no more hiding it. I'm around 14 weeks pregnant, due mid August (but let's be honest, it could be early September if this one is anything like Wyatt  #noexpectations).  We are all so excited, including the little Mr. pictured above. He is thrilled about becoming a big brother and goes back and forth on whether he wants a little brother or a little sister. Brett and I both think it's another boy, but we'll find out for sure at the end of March.

God sure has blessed us with this pregnancy and we're very thankful. We had a miscarriage back in May and would've been welcoming that baby into our home in December. I know so many women deal with miscarriages and sometimes multiple miscarriages...both early in their pregnancies and late.. and some that even make it all the way to labor and delivery before losing their precious baby. My heart aches for all these women. But I have been so encouraged and uplifted by several of them.  Something that has been drilled into my brain and heart over the last few years is one simple word: HOPE. "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Rom 12:12.

We found out that I had miscarried at my 12 week appointment, but I had already lost the baby over a month before that point. Viewing the ultrasound, it was determined that our little baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks and 3 days.  I, of course, wanted to know exactly when that day was and what I was doing, regardless of the fact I couldn't have prevented the loss. So, upon arriving home and in tears, I flipped back through my calendar until I found the date. 8 weeks and 3 days...May 2. The 1 year anniversary of Sara's death. My emotions took over. Initially, I was so angry. Why would God give me another reason to hate this day?! Of all days, why May 2?  But then, I began to find comfort in it. As strange as it may sound, I found comfort in thinking, "This is Sara's baby. She is holding and rocking and loving on that little baby...showing the love that I would've shown him/her if I could." And whether or not that's true, I can't help but think that God orchestrated the timing so I would find the slightest bit of comfort through those thoughts. I will always keep that image in my heart.

The story doesn't end there though. As one would expect, I struggled for awhile with the loss of this child, and as the due date drew closer and closer, it became even harder. The "what if" thoughts started creeping in and I just longed to be holding that baby. But wouldn't you know it....the day before my due date, I took a pregnancy test: POSITIVE! I couldn't believe it. So I took another one (ok, maybe two) and sure enough they all read the same result.  I was so excited, yet so scared at the same time.

But here we are, 14 weeks later. And although I still get anxious every once in awhile, I'm doing my best to trust in God's plan and continue being excited and thankful for this little one growing inside of me. So thankful.