shining on

I have no idea how to appropriately begin this post. And as a warning, it will probably be long, and a bit depressing. But I hope to encourage at least one person's heart through this, even if it's just my own. Please bare with me.

The last 2 years have been an absolute whirlwind (specifically these last 2 months). There are many days when I have to remind myself that it's real. What seems to be a "this only happens to other people" story is now, in fact, my story. I don't like to say it out loud. I don't even like to think it. Because that makes it real. And I would rather live thinking I will wake up from this nightmare. But what I cling to is that it's no longer a nightmare for Sara. She's living the ultimate dream for all eternity. That makes me smile and breathe a huge sigh of relief for her.

I miss her every day, every hour...I find myself not knowing how or what to feel. When my heart is sad and broken, I feel as though I should be happy for her, focusing on the fact that she is pain-free, dancing and singing, and in absolute awe of her Savior. When I am relieved because of those things, I feel as though I should be hurting and sad that she's no longer with us. It's an endless circle. I know that's normal. It doesn't feel normal.

So when people ask me a sincere, "How are you doing?" I really don't know how to answer. I want to say "Good." That sounds heartless. I want to say "Horrible." That sounds, well, horrible. I know people understand, but I don't.

In a way, I am so relieved. She no longer has to suffer. She is not giving this world a second thought. She wouldn't rather be here than where she is. She is 100% healed and pain-free. For that, my heart sings. But in the same breath, I am so sad. Sad for all the things I will be missing of/with her. Sad for my parents and siblings and Sara's close friends....all the things they will be missing of/with her. See, you don't grieve the death of a person, you grieve the loss of a relationship. And each of our relationships with her were so special. She treated each of us like we were the most special, important person in her life. She made us all better, happier people.

I keep thinking about how happy she always was, even during the last 2 years of her battling cancer and facing death. Most would have thrown in the towel on finding happiness and joy through that sort of pain and suffering. But not her. She was so strong. Stronger than I would have ever expected.

She was at an age where her life should have been starting, but instead, it was ending. All of her friends' (and even us siblings') lives were just beginning. New jobs, finding love, marriage, starting families, etc. It's all what Sara had always imagined her life would look like at age 22. But instead of being mad and jealous, she was so happy for everyone and the joy they were experiencing in their lives. Don't get me wrong. She was, at times, sad. She expressed in her prayer journal that she was sad for all the things she would be missing out on. But she always followed those thoughts with a prayer like the following: "Lord, if that is not what you have for me, help me to live my life so that others may see your love. Help me to be a shining light for you." Amazing. Challenging. Inspiring. Sara.

Sara could have been upset and bitter about all she was missing out on, but she wasn't. Even during the immense pain and suffering she was experiencing, she couldn't help but be happy for those she loved. So now, as I face pain and hurt, I remember her example. Sara is experiencing the greatest joy and life there is. She is where all of us should desire to be some day. So even though I am dealing with grief and heartache, I need to be happy for her. Because that's how she was and would have been for me.

There is so much more I could say, but I'll end with the following: I know I will never move on from this, but I will live on. Sara's life and death have challenged me more than I've ever been challenged in my faith. And because of her example, I have committed to living a better life. A life that is dedicated to being a "shining light for Him."

I'm keeping a fresh vase of these on my table. They were Sara's favorite flowers and totally remind me of her every time I see them. Bright and sunny...and happy.

turning 1...it's kind of a big deal

My baby is a boy. Obviously. What I really mean is, he's not a baby anymore...he's a little boy. Last Sunday was his birthday and even though we didn't have a blowout party for him, we lived it up all day long...just the three of us. This is what Wyatt woke up to. Spoiled? Um, yes.

Wyatt loves balls. Throwing balls. Kicking balls. Chasing balls. Putting balls in to anything you can put a ball in to. So he was thrilled when he saw all of this just calling out his name. We got him a basketball hoop for his birthday. And my parents and his Aunt Sara got him a ball pit. Yes, a ball pit. Awesome present for him, not so awesome gift for me. I'm finding those plastic balls EVERYWHERE!

We devoted the entire day to playing.

and Wyatt ate his entire cake (and as a result didn't take a nap all day long).

It was the perfect day together.

i went for it

Wyatt needed a haircut...big time.

I don't cut hair. I especially don't cut boy hair. The last time I cut a boy's hair, I was in high school and we were on a beach retreat with my youth group. I was a freshman, the guy was a senior and he really wanted his haircut. For whatever reason, I volunteered to do it and no joke...this is what he ended up looking like. Seriously. I felt so bad, I cried. He may have cried too.

Fortunately, I had better luck this time. It was quite the experience cutting an 11 months old's hair...he doesn't stop moving. But, I went for it and I'm happy with the results. I didn't take any pictures of the process and I don't have great "before" and "after's" so here's the best I could get.

I think it makes him look so much older. He'll be one in 2 weeks from today. What a year!

Boy oh Boy!

I can't believe the last time I posted about Wyatt was when he was 6 months old!?! He's 11 months now, people! Can you believe it? Obviously, there is a lot to catch up on, but let's be honest...how many of you (other than you, mom) actually care about all the "cute" and "cool" things my little boy did/is doing? Seriously, honestly, do you?

Well, I'm going to share anyway...but in fast forward: He crawled. He ate "real" food. He threw his food. He gained weight. He laughed. He was naughty. He laughed at being naughty. He was disciplined. He waved bye bye. He said "mama." He had his first Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was spoiled rotten. He saw his first snow fall. He went to the dermatologist (found out the "mole" on his forehead is actually a juvenile xanthogranuloma...nothing to worry about...should go away on it's own, eventually). He gained a love for dogs. He took his first steps. He got a black eye...and several more bruises. He should probably wear a helmet. He hasn't had a haircut, although he needs one. He cut 2 more teeth (and NOT the 2 front teeth...let's just say, it's a good thing vampires are "in" right now). He had his first plane ride. He loved on his Aunt Sara. He walked. He brought so much joy...and still is.

I seriously love this little boy so much. He has been such a blessing in our lives and I am so thankful that I get to be his mom.

best. weekend. EVER

I was tempted to just post this picture and leave it at that, but there was just too much good to share...

We had an amazing weekend. Everyone was able to be together, including Grandma Oda, and it honestly couldn't have been better. As I mentioned in my previous post, we've had a lot of people show their love and support, but last weekend, we were absolutely blown away by a particular family's generosity. They went away for the weekend & offered up their AMAZING home for us to stay at. And when I say "amazing", I mean "should be in a magazine or on MTV cribs or something to that nature" sort of amazing. I wish I would've taken pictures of all the rooms (7 bedrooms,8 bathrooms, play room, living room, dining room, entertainment room, kitchen, craft room...and i'm pretty sure i'm missing a couple more rooms). But here's a picture of the beautiful outside.

Sara was feeling good all weekend, which was a HUGE answer to prayer. We were able to enjoy each other's company, eat A LOT of food, play games, play in the snow, take nice, long showers in a shower bigger than our entire master bathroom, watch movies, and celebrate Sara receiving her college diploma!

One of the greatest parts of the whole weekend (besides Sara getting her diploma) was the Swenson Family Trivia game. Sara was the hostess and all the in-law spouses were the participants. Kim, Brady & Brett were required to answer questions (asked by Sara) about the Swenson family. The winner, who ended up being Brady, received a cash prize from Sara. No joke. :) It was pretty hilarious seeing how much our spouses did, or in some cases, didn't know about our family. This is what Brett would hold up whenever he didn't know the answer. Apparently, he felt as though I was not a good coach.

My face is saying, "if only you would've listened." Ah well...we tried.

Wyatt received quite a bit of attention (imagine that) and spent some good quality time with his Aunt Sara. They have such a special bond that I am so thankful for.

None of us wanted to leave. We kept talking about how great it would be if we could all just quit our lives and move into this house together. As I've said many times, I am so thankful for my family and the love that abounds for each other.

These will be memories that last a life time.