i went for it

Wyatt needed a haircut...big time.

I don't cut hair. I especially don't cut boy hair. The last time I cut a boy's hair, I was in high school and we were on a beach retreat with my youth group. I was a freshman, the guy was a senior and he really wanted his haircut. For whatever reason, I volunteered to do it and no joke...this is what he ended up looking like. Seriously. I felt so bad, I cried. He may have cried too.

Fortunately, I had better luck this time. It was quite the experience cutting an 11 months old's hair...he doesn't stop moving. But, I went for it and I'm happy with the results. I didn't take any pictures of the process and I don't have great "before" and "after's" so here's the best I could get.

I think it makes him look so much older. He'll be one in 2 weeks from today. What a year!

Boy oh Boy!

I can't believe the last time I posted about Wyatt was when he was 6 months old!?! He's 11 months now, people! Can you believe it? Obviously, there is a lot to catch up on, but let's be honest...how many of you (other than you, mom) actually care about all the "cute" and "cool" things my little boy did/is doing? Seriously, honestly, do you?

Well, I'm going to share anyway...but in fast forward: He crawled. He ate "real" food. He threw his food. He gained weight. He laughed. He was naughty. He laughed at being naughty. He was disciplined. He waved bye bye. He said "mama." He had his first Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was spoiled rotten. He saw his first snow fall. He went to the dermatologist (found out the "mole" on his forehead is actually a juvenile xanthogranuloma...nothing to worry about...should go away on it's own, eventually). He gained a love for dogs. He took his first steps. He got a black eye...and several more bruises. He should probably wear a helmet. He hasn't had a haircut, although he needs one. He cut 2 more teeth (and NOT the 2 front teeth...let's just say, it's a good thing vampires are "in" right now). He had his first plane ride. He loved on his Aunt Sara. He walked. He brought so much joy...and still is.

I seriously love this little boy so much. He has been such a blessing in our lives and I am so thankful that I get to be his mom.

best. weekend. EVER

I was tempted to just post this picture and leave it at that, but there was just too much good to share...

We had an amazing weekend. Everyone was able to be together, including Grandma Oda, and it honestly couldn't have been better. As I mentioned in my previous post, we've had a lot of people show their love and support, but last weekend, we were absolutely blown away by a particular family's generosity. They went away for the weekend & offered up their AMAZING home for us to stay at. And when I say "amazing", I mean "should be in a magazine or on MTV cribs or something to that nature" sort of amazing. I wish I would've taken pictures of all the rooms (7 bedrooms,8 bathrooms, play room, living room, dining room, entertainment room, kitchen, craft room...and i'm pretty sure i'm missing a couple more rooms). But here's a picture of the beautiful outside.

Sara was feeling good all weekend, which was a HUGE answer to prayer. We were able to enjoy each other's company, eat A LOT of food, play games, play in the snow, take nice, long showers in a shower bigger than our entire master bathroom, watch movies, and celebrate Sara receiving her college diploma!

One of the greatest parts of the whole weekend (besides Sara getting her diploma) was the Swenson Family Trivia game. Sara was the hostess and all the in-law spouses were the participants. Kim, Brady & Brett were required to answer questions (asked by Sara) about the Swenson family. The winner, who ended up being Brady, received a cash prize from Sara. No joke. :) It was pretty hilarious seeing how much our spouses did, or in some cases, didn't know about our family. This is what Brett would hold up whenever he didn't know the answer. Apparently, he felt as though I was not a good coach.

My face is saying, "if only you would've listened." Ah well...we tried.

Wyatt received quite a bit of attention (imagine that) and spent some good quality time with his Aunt Sara. They have such a special bond that I am so thankful for.

None of us wanted to leave. We kept talking about how great it would be if we could all just quit our lives and move into this house together. As I've said many times, I am so thankful for my family and the love that abounds for each other.

These will be memories that last a life time.

let's face it

Yes, it's true....I'm back. For now at least. I can't promise I'll keep up with it like I used to, but I'll sure do my best.

See, here's the thing: I have definitely been putting this off. For multiple reasons. The main reason being, I don't even know where to start. So much has happened/is happening in our lives and I haven't wanted to face it. But I've had some time to deal with reality and I decided it's time. So let's just get right to it...

If you're reading this blog, you should be aware of what's going on with my sister. If you're not, then I have no idea who you are, but you can click on the link to the right that says "Sara's Story" and get up to speed. My mom has done an excellent job of sharing all that is going on with Sara and honestly, I am proud to call her my mom. If you have read any of her posts, you know why. She's amazing. And strong. And trusts God with her whole heart. And I hope and pray that some day I can be the kind of woman/mother she is.

Obviously, things have been pretty difficult lately, and I struggle with how to "feel." Most of the time, I'm just sad. Then I'm angry, with a tinge of guilt for feeling that way. Later I feel hopeful. And so it goes. My emotions change every day, every hour. It affects every aspect of my life. And I worry. I worry about how much life will change. I worry about not being a good wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend. But more so, I worry about Sara, my parents, and my siblings. And even Sara's friends. The whole thing is just too much. And I just want to be there with her, enjoying every moment we can.

Most of the time I find myself saying/thinking/writing: "I JUST DON'T KNOW!" And while that's how I feel most of the time, here are some things I do know to be true, in no particular order:

*I am proud to be a Swenson. I have an amazing family and am so thankful for the strength and love we have in each other.

*Sara is the strongest person I know. Through all of this, she still manages to smile, laugh, joke and love.

*Wyatt was the timeliest blessing of all. God knew we needed him in our lives, and blessed us with a beautiful, happy, funny little man, just when we needed him most. We are beyond thankful to have him as he brings such joy and happiness to us all.

*God is good. And He is big enough to handle my frustrations when I struggle with the "how's and why's" of everything. I also know that His plan is sovereign. He has been and will continue to use Sara and her story in the lives of many.

*I have a wonderful husband who loves me deeply and is standing by my side every step of the way. What a man.

*God understands pain. He is our strength when we are weak.

*We are beyond blessed to have the friends and family we do. Since day one there has been an outpouring of love, support and encouragement from those close to us, as well as some who have never even met Sara. In the last 2 months especially, I have been brought to tears several times by the thoughtfulness and generosity of so many. I can't even begin to express my gratitude.

*Joy and sorrow can walk hand in hand with one another. Even in the midst of pain, Wyatt will still light up when he sees me, coffee will still taste good, my family will still be funny, Brett will still make me laugh, and best of all, God's mercies will still be new every morning!

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So there you have it. That's all I have on this subject for now. My plan over the next few weeks is to get caught up with this whole blogging thing. Life has still been happening all around me and there really is so much to share. I'd like to use this blog as a place to be normal...as normal as can be considering the circumstances that are anything but.

Here's what to stay tuned for:

* Swenson Family Get Together & Sara's Graduation (the most amazing weekend ever)

* Wyatt Update (he's now almost 11 months and walking...YIKES!)

* Our House (we've been here for almost 3 months now and we love it)

* Working Momma (i've been back at ClubSport since mid November and it's going great)

* and more :)

too much

There is just too much going on right now. I'm overwhelmed and I'm taking a break from blogging. But before I go, let me give you a little info on all that's going on in our lives.

First off, we're buying a house. Yep, we're taking the plunge. We couldn't be more excited, but it's definitely a little overwhelming. We hope to close by the end of this month if all goes well. Here's a little looksy and once things settle down and it actually becomes official, I'll give more details and pics.

Secondly, because of this whole mortgage thing we'll be diving into, we decided I needed to go back to work part time to help us sit a little more comfortably in the $$ dept. God worked it out for me to return part time to my old job at ClubSport. Great thing is, I can take Wyatt with me. They offer free child care for their employees, which is such a blessing. I'll be starting back up this week. It's crazy, but I'm thankful.

Lastly, but WAY more importantly...

Things with my sister have taken a turn. I honestly have no words. My mom posted on CaringBridge so I'll just share her words, since I have none of my own.

We had a difficult weekend. I talked to the oncologist on Friday. He told us that because Sara's cancer has come back so quickly, and in both her lung, AND her leg. . . . it is not good. He said that most likely it will keep coming back, and she has a very slim chance of beating it. Sara has been through the best prescribed protocol of treatment for osteosarcoma, and seemed to respond very well. Now that she has moved into this phase of recurrent disease, we are in more of an unknown arena. There are clinical studies out there for recurrence in the lungs, but the ones that her oncologist knows of, she is no longer eligible for because of the recurrence in her leg. The best thing we can do is to just keep taking those spots out, as long as we can. He said he can give Sara some options about further treatment, but that we need to have that tough conversation and let Sara make some decisions about what she wants in her life right now. So, we have had some TOUGH conversations this past weekend.

We really don't KNOW any more than that. Sara thinks she will most likely opt for a low dose chemotheraphy that she can take and still go back to school. . . . if the side effects are mild enough. She has a list of questions for her oncologist. We are also looking into diet options. The crazy thing is (and I know I've said this before), Sara has always been so HEALTHY. Even now, aside from her limp, and the fact that she is sore and tired all the time, she says she feels good. It is just so hard to believe this is true.

We have seen God's hand constantly through this whole thing. We know that He can still bring miraculous and TOTAL healing, and we pray with every breath that He will. Please pray for Sara, and for us, as we are all struggling to make those hard decisions, and continuing to move forward, trusting God with faith and hope. It is hard for us to talk about, so we trust you understand if we don't respond much right now. We are all still processing and trying to gain a "foothold". Please be especially sensitive in your conversation with Sara. She has always been our eternal optomist. . . finding the good in every situation, always happy, and wanting everyone around her to be happy. She still wants that. She wants to live like God wants her to live. . . . in every sense of that statement. At the same time, our hearts are breaking. . . and we need to be able to acknowledge that as well. Basically, we don't know how to do this.

So this is the verse we are holding on to - Phillippians 4:8-9
"Whatever is TRUE, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is of good report. . . . . let your mind dwell on these things. . . . and the God of PEACE shall be with you".

It's too much. My mind and heart don't know how to handle everything that's going on. And to be honest, I'm not sure I'll figure it out. I'm overwhelmed and on an emotional rollercoaster. There are such exciting things going on in our lives right now with the new house and the newish job, but their tainted with the reality of what's going on with Sara. So I'm just going to try. I'll try to take it day by day. I'll try to focus on the positive. I'll try to be excited and thankful for all the new blessings in my life. I'll try to be a good wife and a good mom. I'll try to trust in God's plan. And I'll try to lean on His strength and not my own.

Please pray. Pray for a miracle to take place in Sara's body. And pray for my family. For strength and peace and understanding, when it feels like there's none.